Tuesday, January 03, 2012

I hate people

In doing the step work lately I have become reacquainted with a personality problem that has developed from being an ACoA. To oversimplify it and put it in childlike terms, I hate people.

I don't hate individual people. And I don't hate large groups of people. And I don't hate all of humanity constantly. But I have felt so let down, so misunderstood, so abused by humanity in general, that I don't find myself relating to the very species to which I belong. I haven't for the longest time, really.

I haven't felt this was a problem for me for a long time now. I have a few close friends. And I have a detached relationship from my FOO. And I have felt that is all I have needed. But I have large desires for myself. And the only way to achieve those dreams is to help people. And so I find that I have to get over my distrust and disgust with all of humanity.

I don't consider myself perfect and my problem doesn't stem from perceived imperfections of humanity. My problem is that I haven't gotten to the point where I can accept the frailty of humanity. Nor can I accept that even the best people should not be expected to be there when you need them.

I have to meet people where they are and give up my expectations of them having perfect performance in my mind. Once I do that, then maybe I will have room for love for people, something that I presently lack.

Even now my inner child is saying "But they were mean to me". And yes, just about all of the children back when I was a kid were mean to me. Yes, they didn't understand me. And it hurt. It's hurt for fifty years. But they were just doing what kids do. And I need to forgive them for that. But the pain was very deep. And this is not proving an easy thing to do. But the most helpful things generally are not easy.

And I don't care if they hate me!

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