Thursday, October 18, 2012

Do you really want to hurt me?

A charge of the religious-based retreat I went on a few weeks back is to go out into the world and share your faith. In the context of that, I have been thinking a lot about my people problem. That is to say, I dislike lots of contact with people. And in reflecting on it I have gotten some insights as to why I have the problem.

Part of the reason I have this problem is that I find contact with people fatiguing. And that's because there are few people with whom I feel I can truly be myself. A lot of people can relax when they are around other people. That actually makes me tense. I have to do the social thing as an active pursuit. It's work. It's not unlike people's problem with public speaking, only all the time on everything.

Where that falls into the realm of ACoA is secret-keeping. I feel like I'm putting on a false front, because if I acted as a felt, no one would want to be around. Or at least that's what I think or feel. But another thing I have realized about people is that for me for the most part people equal pain.

People hurt my feelings, even the people who are supposed to care about me. People tease even when it's no longer amusing to me. People let me down. People basically suck. I have also realized that this is really a child's view and experience of people, socialization, and companionship.

There are many positive benefits to hanging out with other people. There are a lot of joys and laughs. There is support, if you think people's assertions of support are valid. But for me, I am still in the nascent stages of emotional development, where the pain is much stronger in effect or importance than the pleasure.

The equation is still in imbalance. I need for people letting me down to not hurt so much, for it not to count so much. In a different context, I have told people "Don't say 'Don't take it personally', because I take everything personally." That's ACoA traits at work.

But what I have to figure out, if it is able to be figured out, is how to lessen how much something hurts. But now at least, I have a better understanding of my condition. I doubt I will ever be an extrovert. But perhaps being so introverted won't be as debilitating anymore.

Culture Club

Friday, October 12, 2012

I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you kill me?

Apparently, I am some really powerful stuff, because here we are more than a year past when she dumped me, and yet I am still the subject of Stella's blog. I had pretty much given up reading her blog, as the person that I am now is so far removed from the person who would have been in a relationship with her.

However, she has maintained relationships with other people that I know, so it came to my attention that yet again I was the subject of her blog. It's basically just more of the same: exaggerations, mischaracterizations, and absolute lies about me. She topped this by branding me with the epithet of "Loser". She is a fan of Glee, so I guess that's where she gets it from. Or maybe it's indicative of her maturity level. She even threw in a shot at Kathy.

How crazy was it? So crazy that even Portia couldn't believe Stella had written it. Kathy was a bit concerned that I would be bothered by the blog post, but it really doesn't bother me that much. I'm writing this blog post mostly as catharsis to get it all out of my system, because she isn't worth me spending any more time on it from this point forward.

I have said to Kathy more than once that I wish I knew what I did to cause Stella to hate me so. But now I don't even care. Because, frankly, anyone who is still this fixated on someone she dropped is, well, a loser.

Soy un perdedor!