Wednesday, April 11, 2012


Well, just as I had gotten back on track, the last few days of my Easter trip derailed me from posting here. It was a good time and worth the sacrifice, but I still wish I had written.

Elton John

Friday, April 06, 2012

I need a hero

Last night, traveling from one side of Ohio to the other, I got caught in a very large, very slow moving (as in stopped) traffic jam. And I was still trying to deal emotionally with having accidentally had my girlfriend's jewelry thrown away. And my baseball team had lost the game. And I needed a sponsor.

And that is problem with having had to take myself through the program, is that in times where I can feel the old feelings and old programming creeping in, I have no one to call to help boost me back to my new behaviors. It is hard being your own hero.

Bonnie Tyler

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Because sometimes there's not plenty of time.

His name was Frank. He was a lover of the English language, good writing, science fiction, and comic books. And he loved Deep Space Nine. He and I got along wonderfully in the comic book forum where we met. We always talked about meeting each other, but never did anything about it. I wasn't worried. There was plenty of time.

And then one day, as a complication from a recent medical procedure, he died. There was not plenty of time. I thought of him as I met with others from the comic book forum today. Connect with someone today.

For Frank

So you had a bad day...

Weeks ago I found out the Cleveland Indians were going to play their High-A affiliate the Carolina Mudcats, so I bought tickets and planned to take Kathy and Tina as part of my meandering sojourn north to visit Ohio.

Well, because of how Kathy had to come to where I live, she was unable to go. And because Portia is withholding Tina right now, she was unable to go. So with these strikes already against me, I ventured out to watch the game alone. I get to the intersection right outside the ball park and the car just dies.

So I walk to the ballpark to watch some of the game while I wait for the tow truck to arrive. I get back and I have to be towed to a town a half an hour away. I have to rent a car. And on the way out with the rental car, I get a ticket for speeding.

Today, as I am wending my way further north, I find out it's the timing belt, which is not a cheap repair. But the wonderful thing is that I didn't freak out about any of it. I wasn't stress and took it all in stride. It all doesn't ride on one roll of the dice anymore. And I am happy for that.

Daniel Powter. See, I have heard of music past 1985.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Beautiful Ohio

I'm going home for a few days. Normally that would suggest that I wouldn't be able to post, but these days, it more likely means I will. Kathy's not going with me though. *sigh*

Connie Francis.

Waiting is the hardest part.

I accidentally rose to the bait of message board drama Monday. Identifying behaviors is easy. Changing them is hard. And waiting for that change to stick is the hardest part.

Tom Petty.

Sunday, April 01, 2012

What a fool believes

Somewhere in my youth I got rather tired of April Fool's pranks. So other than participating in a few things while I was in radio (because that's what you do in radio), I gave them up. I think it's because I already have enough of an issue deciding what is real and what is not and what to trust and believe in. So no pranks today. Everything I posted today is what I meant and how I feel. No fooling.

As she rises through her apology, anybody else would surely know he's watching her go.

Games People Play (redux)

One thing Portia promised when we were trying to negotiate our divorce was that she wouldn't use Tina as a pawn, and that is exactly what she has done and continues to do.

I love sports and bought tickets to several different sporting events with the thought that I would take Tina. She doesn't really like watching sports, but she loves the spectacle of it, and the food, and horsing around with the mascots, and things of that nature. These tickets were bought in advance, because often that is how you have to do it.

Well, Portia is refusing to let her go to these under the pretext of protecting her from me because I have an anger problem. The only anger problem I have is an annoyance with her. Seriously. I asked my therapist just to be sure about it.

It is my belief that Portia will eventually get over being a sorehead because I managed to get divorced without her, but for now, the games go on.

The Alan Parsons Project, showing a little bit of the people who actually sang the song.

"Am I the same girl you used to know?"

Early on, I told Kathy that our relationship has been much different than it was with women prior. She later asked about that when Portia told her about something that superficially was like how she and I have done things. I assured her (and I assure you) that things are a lot different.

In my relationships with both Portia and Stella, there was a point where I needed to say how I felt and get my issues and concerns addressed. I needed to assert and have them honor that I was an equal in the relationship. In the case of Portia, I didn't do it when I should have and by the time I actually did, just the very act of speaking my mind destroyed the relationship.

By that point with Stella, I realized that the conversation needed to happen and if it did end the relationship, then there was something wrong with the relationship in the first place. It was the right time to have the conversation, but before I could, she ended the relationship.

So when it seemed like Kathy and I were headed down the same road, I carefully wrote an e-mail (as she was out of town and I wanted to make sure I said everything I wanted to say and said it in the best way possible). I sent it to Kathy with fears that this was the beginning of the end, but secure in the knowledge that if this ended the relationship, it was supposed to end.

It didn't. She and I discussed what I wrote on the phone. Some of what I perceived / felt was a misunderstanding and some of it she understands how I work and we're working on it and around it. It was calm, rational, and loving. And believe me, that is not at all the same.

Swing Out Sister

I know you want to leave me, but I refuse to let you go.

This isn't about me and Kathy. Oh, well, it sort of is, but not the way you might expect.

With Kathy living here with me every day, we're spending a lot of time together. And this time has to come from somewhere. So many things I used to do are getting squeezed out or lost altogether. One of the things that has been suffering, of course, has been this blog.

But much like the ACA activities I have been doing, this blog has been a big help to me, so I refuse to let it go by the wayside. I have known for a while that I couldn't keep up daily posts forever, but I had hoped to keep up the daily pace for a year. I am about half-way there and I intend to finish.

The Temptations