Sunday, October 09, 2011

When Will I Be Loved?

One day later and the realization I came to is still sinking in.  It is a hard thing for me, as I loved my mother quite a bit despite the problems between she and I and she, in once sense of the word, did love me dearly.

But it was crystal clear she had no faith in me or my abilities and while loving me just did not accept me as I was.  Perhaps she was just suggesting ways I could be a better person.  But I did not feel that underneath if I never changed I would be welcome.  It was something I needed and did not get.

When the person you are supposed to receive unconditional love from seems to put conditions on it, where does that leave you exactly?  What are you supposed to conclude, at least from the vantage point for a child?  That you are not good enough?  Maybe.  It seems that is what I figured out.

This oxymoron (a contradiction that is nonetheless true) has ruled my life for a while now.  It has been hard to reconcile.  But as I have often said, even if you realize the why of something, the next question is still "Now what?"

As much as I would love to find an unconditional love out there with another human being, that is just not possible.  And yet, if I still need such unconditional love, I need it.  And so, using the foundation of reparenting, I need to unconditionally love myself.

If I do that, then maybe I will have my answer to my musical question.


Just in case you forgot the question:

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