Sunday, October 30, 2011


I am often afraid.  This is not unusual.  Most people are afraid at one time or another.  I think part of my fascination with Green Lantern is that he is supposed to be without fear.  Must be nice.  Where I might differ than you is what I am or was afraid of.

I used to be afraid of getting fired.  My parents and their depression-era mentality gave me a palpable fear of being out of work, so much that much like the fear of rejection and abandonment in a relationship I would have done just about anything to keep my job.  I worked for an absolute ass and a petty tyrant for years longer than I should have, simply because I didn't want to get fired.  The cure as it turned out was to get fired anyway and learn that life goes on.

The next thing I used to be afraid of was quitting a job without having another lined up.  This comes from the same place as the above.  And eventually I got the cure via a similar means.  I was at a job and there was a change in supervisors from a woman with whom I got along famously to a woman who apparently took lessons from the tyrant.  I could see the writing on the wall and even though I had nowhere to jump to, I jumped.  I ended up back at the temporary agency that had placed me in the first place and got placed with my present employer and have been work-wise relatively happy ever since.

I fear disappointing my female significant other.  This goes back to my mother and has carried over to whomever currently holds the title of wife / fiancée / girlfriend.  I tend to value their opinions and affection over my own opinion and so I am afraid to disappoint.  This too plays into my wanting to be loved and fear of abandonment and rejection.  I am working on this.  That is not to say that I want to be a cad and dismissive of my woman.  I just need to remember that my power is mine and that it is my job to be the boss of me and not her.

And I fear succeeding.  Much like the first two, it is a fear of the unknown.  In areas that really mattered to me, I have succeeded so little that I do not know if I can achieve it or if I can handle it if I do achieve it.  Recently, through my work in ACoA, I have found that this is abating.  My confidence level is increasing and I expect there to be many positive changes for me soon.  As I am becoming fond of saying, the only way to do it is go through it.  Yeah, I am a sloganeer.


Here's a very Halloween appropriate song about fear.

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