Friday, October 07, 2011

Do you love me now that I can dance?

Well, I had an epiphany today, a rather sad and perplexing one.  I know I was my mother's favorite child (not bragging; just a fact) and I know that she cared for me dearly.  I know that a lot of the ACoA issues in my life come not from the alcoholic (my father) but from her.  But what I did not know until my epiphany today is that I do not feel lovable by women because I did not feel that my mother loved me in the way that mattered.

This is a serious charge and it is because I have to say things like this that I have not told my family that I restarted this blog nor have I told them its purpose.  And I need to make sure I explain myself lest you get the wrong idea.  My mother loved me.  But her way of doing so made me feel on a key point that she did not.

While she had legitimate reasons for doing so, it was nonetheless disheartening for interactions with my mother to focus on my shortcomings.  It was just bizarre to hear her talk about me glowingly to everyone else but yet somehow in dealing with her never be good enough.

This manifests itself all over my life.  For instance, I have what I call my cleaning problem.  I hate to clean because I can never stop.  It's never good enough.  No matter how much I do, I only see what hasn't been done.  It's maddening.

But I digress.  What this all ends up boiling down to is that I felt that my mother loved me conditionally, that she did not love me if I was to do and be what I wanted to do and be.  We touched on that a little while ago when I talked about going to New York to draw comic books.

And so, since conditional love is all I appeared to ever be able to get, I have apparently on some deep lever decided that it is all that I can ever have.  Well today I actively choose differently.  I choose that someone can love me for who I am and not a chimera.  Just because I never had it doesn't mean that it is not possible.


But now I'm back to let you know I can really shake 'em down!

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