What's on my mind.

I am going to do some freestyle stream of consciousness writing tonight, as I don't have a specific topic ACoA-wise or otherwise (as I am not in the mood to tell the tale of the Wally Wood cartoon yet).  I am feeling off tonight and that usually means there is something to talk about that I have not brought to the surface and stream writing generally brings that to the fore.

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I have tried to write this paragraph several times.  I keep stopping and starting, which is against the whole purpose of the exercise.  I want to talk about it not going well with my granddaughter's school work.  I want to talk about my unassigned sadness.  I want to talk about letting a friend down in his hour of need.  I want to talk about all of that.  But the fact that I am being careful seems to me to say that I am afraid of what the answers will be.

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Regarding my granddaughter, I think that I am lamenting that being average will probably be an achievement for her.  I hope that I am giving her tools to help her survive in this world.  But I just feel inadequate right now and ineffectual.  Perhaps I am having more of an effect than I can perceive.  You never know.

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My friend is in a battle for custody of his children and while at one point he had sufficient funds to see it through, he has, through delays by his ex, lost his funding and now, just a few weeks from trial, will probably lose his attorney.  He came to me for funds, but between the arrangement I made with my ex-wife and a very expensive car repair, I just could help him.  It's not my fight, but I still feel culpable.

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I am sad about the unpleasant things I have to remember about my family life.  Kathy's first impressions about my parents have come from this blog and that saddens me.  But she had a wonderful attitude about it, saying that my parents must have had something going on right or I would not be as okay as I am.

I know my parents loved each other but somehow in exploring their flaws and our family pathology I have made it seem that they were emotionally absent monsters.  There were good times too.  And I guess while I need to work through the bad things I need to occasionally stop and remember the good things too.

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I'm starting to put some pressure on myself regarding Kathy.  I think it goes back to yesterday's blog about that dumb cartoon.  Now that I think well of her, I am really wanting things to work out with Kathy and I am feeling the fingers of pressure at my throat.  But now is where my ACoA learning has to come to the fore and I just have to hand my fears and my tendency to try and force things up to the Higher Power.

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I really do not have a song that fits what I am doing here, so I am just going to think of a song I would like to feature and feature it.  Got it.  Enjoy.