If you leave me now...

I've talked a lot about my purported lovability deficit that lies at the heart of my relationship addiction and problems, but I have not talked much about my abandonment issues.  In truth, it's because I still am having trouble wrapping my head how I could and did feel abandoned in a family where both my mother and father were present growing up.

If someone loses a parent due to divorce, death, or actual abandonment, issues about it happening in love relationships are easy to figure out.  But how can a parent who is there not be there?  That is the question and I think I have the answer.  In looking at my family it was about rejection, a similar place as to from where the love issues come.

A kid does not get to rule the entire family. Adults have to make decisions based in information and situations that a child cannot understand.  That said, if a kid never gets his way, if a kid's ideas, desires, thoughts, etc. never count, then a kid feels rejected.  He is alone in a house full of people.

And I can count on one hand the things that I really wanted in childhood that I ever got.  Not just material stuff.  Approval.  Understanding.  Acceptance.  It was not "My way or the highway" with my parents.  It was more "My way and you will shut up and like it."  There was no highway.  The closest we got was "Eat what I cooked or don't eat," because at least we had the option of not eating (which I did do once).

I am sure I am exaggerating some on this.  I mean, I know we had Cap'n Crunch in the house, so I had to get my way about something (because I am fairly certain my mother would have rather eaten Crisco for breakfast than Cap'n Crunch).  But again it is important to remember that these ideas and conclusions come from a child's far from objective view point.

But at least it is less a mystery to me now.  And knowing this is the beginning of the end of my self-distortion to gain approval.

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Tomorrow, I hope to talk about the last few items on the Laundry List and how they apply (or do not) to me.

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Chicago, a great group and an area I hope to revisit soon.