Making a list and checking it twice

Officially I am on Step Four of the ACA Twelve Steps and have been there for a while.  I have waited in part because it is the first step I have really wanted to do with a sponsor, but also because I am very much afraid of it.

The fourth step is as follows:

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

As to why this scares me, I am just beginning to realize how much I have hurt myself and more importantly those around me.  I do not know that I want to know just how much I have screwed up and just who and how many I have hurt.

I am also afraid that because I am so hard on myself as a matter of course that I will be overly harsh and punishing on taking my moral inventory.  That is why I would like outside eyes to help me with this step. I am slowly working my way up to it.

I ended up teaching myself how to ride a bicycle without training wheels. (Trust me, this will be germane in a minute.) I was pretty old relatively when I learned how and my sister that was two years younger than I was had already learned how.  So I really looked kind of goofy not knowing how

Much like later with driving a car, my father was the absolute wrong person to teach me (not that my mother would have been much better) and I was too busy being afraid (of him and of falling) to learn. Eventually he gave up.

Once it was just down to me, I was able to relax, I went down to a smaller bike, I was able to figure out balance, and I learned how to ride. But no matter how much my father wanted it for me, I could only learn how to ride when I was ready.

Since I am reparenting now, I am going to afford myself the same luxury with the steps.  I will complete them.  I cannot afford not to.  But I will have to take my time.