Thursday, December 29, 2011

Why my Christmas tree has no ornaments.

I know I said I was done for the year, but I decided I needed to get this one in.

Kathy is visiting and overall it is the most awesome week of my life. However, she has had some concerns with just how far I have come along from my bad old days (the idea being not as far as she would have liked).

Like many ACoA, I have perfectionism issues and deference issues. I get extremely agitated when things I care about do not happen in the way I want them to. It seems the more I care about someone or something, the tighter the choke. Christmas was one of those things.

The very first fight my ex-wife and I had was over a Christmas tree. Christmas had become about pressure and expectations and I had started to actively dislike it. But I remembered as a kid liking the Christmas tree and opening presents and all of that, so when I was alone I decided I would again have a tree.

But I wanted one that wasn't huge, didn't leave pine needles everywhere, and wasn't a pain to haul down from the attic and back up. So I got a pre-lit small artificial tree. And because I didn't want to try to keep track of ornaments, I left it naked.

I'm sure there is a middle ground on tree decorating but right now almost no effort is good enough and I'll add more when I can deal with more.

As to Kathy, I took her and the granddaughter (Tina) to the ocean as part of her visit. And it made me think of this song:

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