Thursday, December 08, 2011

Another letter

Dear Wilma,

I am in a program called Adult Children Anonymous.  I, like yourself, am a child of an alcoholic and many children of alcoholics develop behavior patterns as children that end up harming themselves and others in their adulthoods.  And much like Alcoholics Anonymous, we have a series of steps, one of which is making amends to people we have harmed by our behaviors.  And one of the people I have harmed by my behaviors is you.

Without getting into particulars, there were a number of things I did while I was in a relationship with you that led you to believe I was a different person than the man I truly am.  That was creating a relationship under false pretenses.  And then, because I so feared abandonment and so feared I would never find anyone else, I did not let our relationship go when it was clear that it was precarious at best.  I took away most of the childbearing years of your life in this dance.  And for those things I am sorry.  But I am also sorry for something else.

Back when we were in a relationship I would have done anything I could to get you to be and stay with me.  And so I lavished you with as many gifts and trips as I could afford on my then meager salary.  From what I understand from a mutual acquaintance, you developed a taste for living this way and being this way to the point where old friends do not recognize you.  I regret that my dysfunction may have altered you forever.  And for that, I am truly sorry.

I do not know how to make amends to you.  Your youth cannot be regained and you have gone on to a relationship in which you seem to be happy.  So I wish you light and love and I thank you for having been a part of my life.

Since if I ever send the letter I will not mention this draft here, I will present the song that came to mind as I wrote this.

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