Sunday, December 11, 2011

One of the toughest conversations I have ever had.

Stella met me today. She still had a few things of mine from when we were together and wanted to give them to me, spurred on by my returning the personal item I mentioned in her letter. So we rendezvoused at a restaurant and had lunch. We talked small talk about how she was recovering from her surgery, how she and hers were doing, how me and mine were doing. She then asked what I was doing for Christmas. And I told her. Which meant I told her about Kathy.

She cried. There were questions about the legitimacy of my feelings for her, how quickly Kathy and I became involved, and many other things. I answered. I was painfully honest. I tried to give her everything I could, everything but the reconciliation that it seemed she sought judging by her reaction to the news of Kathy's existence. She cried and cried. We hugged and departed.

Did she get closure? I don't know. Did this really do anyone any good? I don't know. But she now can move on when she's ready to. And I know that I have tried to make amends. But, as I said in the letter, I don't think it can ever be enough.

Given the time of year and the nature of the conversation, I thought of this song for today.

1 comment:

Kenn or Earth-Two said...

First time I've heard that Dan Folgelberg song in a long time.

It occurs to me, though, based on what I've 'observed' of you and Stella (and okay, it was always second hand) but I'm pretty sure she wanted you to be her architect (insert Briggs-Meyer joke here), in the sense of the architect in the song. You've admitted why you stayed with her so long (and went back twice). But I'm not sure she's recognized yet why she broke-up with you thrice.

You're not her rock-star. But since he's not around, she found she liked having you around to keep her warm and safe and dry. And honestly, you liked her keeping you warm, safe and dry too. But you realised that you didn't like to lie.