Sunday, December 18, 2011

That same old feeling

One of the biggest things I have learned about my issues as they relate to ACoA is that they're ultimately somatic.  They may be caused by faulty thinking, but by this point they have become muscle memory, nerve twitches, chills up the spine, gurgles in the stomach, all attached to Pavlovian triggers.

And since they've become reflexive, when my ACoA-heightened guard is down, I can experience the same old feelings, even though I know in my higher brain they're ridiculous.  Case in point: today.  Kathy will be coming for a visit later this month and I had one weekend left to get the house in reasonably presentable shape.

So I have been busting my butt all day today and I am very fatigued (even beyond the most recent usual).  Because I am so tired, instead of evaluating everything from my more mindful perspective, I am seeing doom and gloom around every corner in every response or lack thereof.

While I am not well enough for this to not happen anymore, I am, however, better enough to recognize it for what it is.  I asked Kathy if we were okay in a way that didn't suggest that I believed something was wrong.  I have taken a moment to breathe and write this blog.  And I am reminding myself that I need to honor myself and not let myself get quite this tired.

Pickettywitch. No I don't know what it means.

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