Sunday, September 25, 2011

Hero and Villain in One Man

Lest anyone think that back on September 5 that I was kidding about being addicted to being in a relationship, I have a confession to make: during the period I have been writing this blog, I made a profile at a dating website and have been chatting with women. Oh, I told them about my break and I did not make any plans to meet them.  But I chatted with them.  And when one of them that I was chatting with "cut me off," I had a moment of freaking out.  And that is clear, demonstrable evidence of addiction.

I watch the television show Intervention (I have for most of the last year or so) and on it you get the full spectrum of addict behavior.  And the cutting back / tapering off method is one things addicts try as a means of telling themselves that they're in control of their addiction. I am not.  I have known I am not.  But I still tried to tell myself that I was, even knowing that.

And it is okay.  I mean it is not, but what I did is what addicts do.  And I am an addict.  Being an ACoA, you have a pile of addictions, even if you are not addicted to a substance, like alcohol.  You're addicted to drama, as we discussed yesterday.  You're addicted to avoidance.  And, in my case, I might as well face it; I'm addicted to love.

Well, not really love, of course.  I am addicted to being in a relationship (whatever that means to me) and obsessing about same.  Ever since I had my first girlfriend twenty five or so years ago, I have been in one relationship or another for all but a month, maybe two.

Since the one woman who chatted me up has cut me off, I am back on my break, climbing back up on the wagon again.  But now I have a serious, difficult mystery ahead of me.  Much like I did not know my father's alcoholism and the dysfunction it caused in my FOO had scarred me, I do not have the slightest clue as to why I am so afraid of being unloved.  And trust me, the problem is not abandonment.  It is specifically with being loved.

For the longest time I have compared myself to the DC Comics character Eclipso, a man named Bruce Gordon who developed an evil second persona that committed crimes.  And while Eclipso knew everything Bruce Gordon knew, Bruce Gordon was never aware of Eclipso's plans or actions.  And yet, Bruce Gordon had to somehow find a way to stop Eclipso.  The roots of my addiction are Eclipso.  And I must find a way to stop him.


Speaking of Bruce Gordon, the musical artist presently known as Mr. Encrypto (after a quick cease and desist from DC Comics) could use your purchase of his two great pop albums Hero and Villain and Secret Identity Crisis.  Here is a sample of the goodness.

No comments: