By Jove, I don't think she's got it!

There is a commercial right now where a woman calls a man up to announce to him that she is giving him the silent treatment, to which he responds that he does not think she gets how the silent treatment is supposed to work.

I thought of that commercial as Stella contacted me today about (from my vantage point) nothing. She said in one of her screeds about me since I met with her as a means of making amends that she wants closure. However, from her repeated diatribes and continued forced contact with me, I do not think she gets how closure is supposed to work.

---

The aforementioned commercial. (Its appearance here does not imply sponsorship of the blog by the advertiser and is included here simply for informational purposes.)

Sticky knots

I done a few interesting things in my life and I have accomplished a few things, but if you asked me what accomplishments I took the greatest personal satisfaction with in achieving, it would not be my degree, awards I won while working in radio, or awards achieved in my current profession. No, it would be for some things many of you would find no big deal.

For the record, I am talking about personal satisfaction, things that have nothing to do with other people. I am very proud of the children and grandchildren I have reared and several different acts of kindness I have done for other people that I will not besmirch by calling attention to them. Those things are wonderful but outside the parameters of personal accomplishment.

One of the things I take great personal satisfaction in is learning how to tie a necktie. My father was a blue collar man and so neckties were relegated to church and weddings and for many, many years I wore a clip-on tie without a problem. Well, the insurance company my parents used put out a monthly newsletter composed primarily of filler. And one of the pieces one month was an illustration of how to a necktie.

It became a puzzle and a challenge to me and so I took one of my father's ties, untied it (IIRC) and then proceeded to tie it according to the guide. Lo and behold after one ore two minor points of confusion, I figured it out. And I have been tying neckties almost daily ever since.

I learned a few different knots, although I prefer the Windsor knot or the Half Windsor in order to hide that my collar button is usually unfastened (because of my enormous neck. I recently decided to go the rest of the way and take on the ultimate tie challenge, the self-tied bow tie, because, as you know, bow ties are cool.

Another thing of this nature was learning how to use chopsticks. I found it fascinating that people all over the world could work them but I couldn't make it work to save my soul. And then one time with Wilma at a Japanese restaurant I decided to try again, using the handy instructions on the back of the paper sleeve. With that try and with the help of very sticky rice, I was able to get the concept.

And we've talked before about me learning how to ride a bike. I guess that these things are so precious to me because of the amount of difficulty or fear I had to overcome to get there. Overcoming obstacles does make success sweeter. But I'd still rather have easy.

---

Chopsticks, naturally.

Feelings

Just as Sydney J. Harris would find things while looking for other things, sometimes I'll get an epiphany about one thing while I am dealing with another thing.

Kathy and I were talking about some things in our relationship, working a few things out, and in the process of talking to her about them, I recalled something from my relationship with Wilma which explained a lot of things to me.

One thing from which many ACoAs suffer (and I am one of those that does suffer) is a detachment from their own feelings and bodies. That is to say we feel things but we have been so confused by admonitions to not feel and mislabeling feelings for politeness sake, that we don't really know what we're feeling or what they are saying to us. We are strangers in a way from our own bodies.

Well, in the conversation I had with Kathy, I recalled my time with Wilma where we discovered that my demeanor with her changed to the negative when I was hungry. I was somehow labeling my hunger as anger and taking it out on her. Wilma learned to simply stop and feed me and all would be right again in our situation.

From this I have extrapolated that some of the feelings I have been having lately are not what I thought the feelings were (which makes sense given the absence of evidence that would otherwise support those feelings). I have lately been very tired, sleepy, and tonight was hungry and thus I wasn't even feeling what I thought I was feeling. I was mislabeling this combo based on previous life experience.

So the next time I am feeling melancholy, I think I will try curing it with a sandwich and a nap first.

---

Morris Albert.

Making it

I have read in many self-help books that what derails many people in pursuit of success is fear of that very success. For instance, I knew a friend who was on the verge of making it as a stand-up comedian, and as he got close to getting a big break, he mentally crumbled. But I never realized that I suffered from it too.

Right now some things are afoot in my life where I could be living in the closest thing to “Happily ever after” I could possibly want. And it's left me scare spitless. I am sometimes unsure of myself. And I have had to actively work on breathing and relaxing away from anxiety about it.

The anxiety isn't fear that it won't happen, mind you, but instead a feeling that I am somehow inauthentic because my dreams are coming true and that didn't used to happen for me. It's related to my previous thoughts about feeling like becoming a different person.

This is tangible evidence that the program can work changes in your life. But it still is disconcerting getting used to the new me. By the way, I am claiming that the new me is the real me and the old me is just that, the old me. It's a subtle difference, but I think it is helping with the adjustment. If I said that how I am now is not me, then I would be rejecting the very changes and happiness I have sought. And I want those things. So this is me now. It is different than the “me” before. But it is real and I am claiming it.

---

When was the last time you thought of David Naughton? Certainly sooner than I did before today.

Nothing's wrong as far as I can see

Things today moved so far in my direction it's breathtaking. But, as the song says, I can't tell you why. Stay tuned.

---

The Eagles

My buddy

In my ACA stepwork I technically am on Step 11, however it occurred to me that back in Steps 8 & 9 I forgot someone that I need to make amends to, and that's my buddy Fred.

Back before I moved to where I presently live, my car was totaled. And as the accident was my fault, I didn't receive any money for it, as I just had liability. I also didn't have any money to replace it.

Fred, a good friend of mine, loaned me $6000. He said for me to make payments as I could and not to sweat the interest. Shortly thereafter I moved south and married my wife. Once I got a decent job, I promised him I'd pay him back with our income tax refunds.

But almost every year, it seemed my wife found something that 'needed' the money more than Fred did. Kids 'needed' to go on expensive field trips. Car engines blew up. Surgeries. Always something.

One year, I put my foot down and insisted that we use it as I had promised. That year we gave him $1000 of the $6000. He was choked up about it. He said he never expected it back.

But I always intended to pay him. It was the wife's insistence and my sniveling acceptance that prevented it from happening. And now I have let my guilt keep me from making restitution.

I am about to be in a situation where I can make a nice profit off of an investment. And today I decided that I am paying him back the rest that I owe him from part of the proceeds of this investment. I need to do this.

It will be proof that I am not the guy ruled by his wife and her bad management of money. Any brick I can take off my shoulder I should. And so, I will finally do right by him. And it feels good.

---

Frank Sinatra (good for the eggs).

I really want to know

Lately I've been negotiating (something I never used to do) and taking charge and just in general being assertive, which wasn't my style, and so occasionally during the day these last couple of days I've been asking myself "Who are you?" 'cause I don't recognize this guy.

---

The Who.

Extreme Makeover, Home Edition

Well, I went ahead and did the toilet seat today after home improvement Saturday and it was handily the easiest job of all of them. So, while I was doing it, I gave a little thought as to why these home repair kinds of things are so difficult for me.

My father and I are very different men. My father was always an outdoors, physical exertion kind of guy. And I was a bookish, artsy, indoors kind of kid. And so he and I didn't relate. He couldn't understand how I could just not get how to ride a two wheeled bike, for instance.

So since we were so obviously different and antagonistically so, I didn't bother to learn anything associated with his macho manliness.  And that, unfortunately, included home improvement skills I would later need to have in dealing with every day life as a man.

I was always so afraid of doing these kinds of things wrong that I would just as soon not do them at all.  Consequently, while I knew how to cook and to darn when I moved out, I wasn't even aware that I had to change furnace filters periodically, never mind how.

So I have had to learn as an adult and I usually look like a goof doing it.  But I for the most part I muddle through.  As to why my dad made things difficult, I am almost certain it was him being either an alcoholic or an ACoA (he was both).  But that was then and things are different now.  Thank goodness.

---

The original, by Jimmy Jones.

Home Improvement

We all have our strengths and weaknesses and one particular form of Kryptonite for me is mechanical things not having to do with computers, stereos, or televisions. I bought a grease gun a while back to lube my sliding glass door and you would have thought you were watching an episode of the Lucy show.

It is with this firmly in mind that I decided to do some home improvements around my house yesterday. Since it gets dark so early in the winter and I have to work later than I would like sometimes, I thought it would be great if I had a device installed to turn my porch light on at dusk.

I go to Lowe's and find a nice programmable one. In install it in my overhead porch light and at dusk, sure enough it comes on...and goes off...and comes on...and goes off. Turns out the enclosure around the light reflects enough of the bulb's light back to the sensor that it thinks it's daytime. Then when it shuts off it thinks it's dusk again.

So that's a no go. There is also a hall light that I think would be nice to cut on whenever it is approached, so as to not have to find the switch in the dark. I figure this is simple. Just take the toggle switch out and replace it with motion activated switch.

Well, the toggle switch is not attached the way shown in the replacement switch's instructions. And all the wires except the ground are the same color. Some advice from an electrician friend later, I am able to release the wires from the toggle switch. I attach the non-ground wires one way with the idea that if they go the other way, I'd reverse them. But I got it right the first time and it works. Except now all the wires and the slightly larger switch don't fit in the box.

Changing the wire crimps and very artfully shoving everything in solves that problem, but by this point I am so worn out that I don't even think about changing the toilet seat. Maybe today. Maybe not.

But yeah, the fact that I took any of this on is definite proof that things are changing for me.

---

James Taylor

"And you know what? So was I."

I am a fan of a television show called Doctor Who. It is about an alien time traveler who flits about the universe across time and space (and even occasionally other dimensions) having adventures with people who travel with him, generally humans and generally from Planet Earth.

The role was first played by an older gentleman named William Hartnell who toward the end of his time on the series had trouble with his health. The show was too popular to end and so the idea was struck upon to recast the role, however to not try and replace him with someone that looked similar, but rather with someone younger.

They used the fact that the character was an alien to allow them a special way to do it. When a Time Lord (the lead character's species) was near death, their bodies renewed their cells. At first we were to think that the original character simply got younger. But after the second actor, Patrick Troughton, was done with the series and was replaced by the third, Jon Pertwee, a much taller actor, it was clear that the bodies changed. This was called a "change of appearance".

When Pertwee was replaced in the part by Tom Baker, there was finally a name for this process: regeneration. For the character it was sort of a death of the ego, followed by a completely new man that was still, somehow, the same man. I have been thinking a lot about this process lately because I almost feel like I am undergoing it.

Doing the ACA work is changing me. Being in a relationship with Kathy is changing me. I am looking at things differently, seeing things differently, and doing things differently. And yet, somehow, I am still me. That said, I have lately, periodically, felt sad for no discernible reason.

Things are going pretty well for me in just about every corner of my life. So I am thinking that this feeling of sadness is coming from the current me knowing that this me, the one who was controlled by being an ACoA, is on his way out the door, never to return. I'm regenerating. But the new me will still be me. But still not ginger. (A Doctor Who joke.)

---

The ninth Doctor becoming the tenth, explaining the process.

---

And the tenth Doctor becoming the eleventh.

Things I learned while looking up other things

Back when I was a kid, one of the columnists in the local newspaper was Sydney J. Harris, who I normally didn't read.  However, usually on a Saturday if I remember correctly, he would do a column he would title "Things I Learned While Looking Up Other Things."  I found the idea that you could learn something else while trying to learn a different thing interesting and I found the tidbits he ran into interesting myself.

As I go to write every day, I too find myself learning things on the way to finding information on what I want to write about, and so, here is my blatant rip off of Sydney J. Jarris.

Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in Akron, Ohio.  Bill W., one of the co-founders of AA, was in Akron and felt like drinking and met with another alcoholic who quit instead.  I don't believe the mere sight of Akron causes you to want to drink, BTW.

The fleshy, tasty part of a pomegranate seed is called the aril.  I also learned after eating a poemgranate for the first time that the red juice flies everywhere.

If a stock sells for under a dollar a share for several days in a row, the stock gets delisted from the major exchanges and has to be sold on the Pink Sheets or the OTC Bulletin Board.  These are the stock exchanges for what is generally called penny stocks.  A certain famous airline had this happen to them recently.  Coincidentally, it was the one I flew to meet Kathy.

A cribbage board belonging originally to Rear Admiral Richard O'Kane is always housed on the longest serving active duty submarine in the US Fleet.  What I did not learn was "Why?"

---

Happiness quotes, featuring among others Mr. Sydney J. Harris.

Cool clear water

Today is Water Wednesday. No, you haven't missed any official proclamations or national promotions. I am the one who calls it Water Wednesday. The reason is that I need to drink more water.

About three weeks ago, I had a period where out of taste and convenience I drank nothing but soda with the two meals a day I ate. After a few days of this, my big toe was very sore. I decided that it was the beginning of gout. (Yes, I am not a physician and I realize it could have been something else.)

So, in order to lower my uric acid levels, I decided to give my kidneys a break and drink nothing but water for the day. I don't remember which day of the week it was, but that worked out so well that I decided to do it once a week and started Water Wednesdays.

The problem is that I cannot stand the taste of water. "Water has no taste" you say. Well, people also tell me that mushrooms have no taste and I can certainly taste them, so I say it does. I haven't liked the taste of water from infancy.

When I was a youth, I mentioned to my mother that I didn't like the taste of water and she told me a story of having to squirt water down my throat because I was dehydrated and wouldn't drink it. Alas, it sounds like me.

So here I sit, grousing about doing something good for myself, because it isn't immediately pleasurable. To me, that's the hallmark of being an adult, making yourself do something that on one level you don't want to do because on another level it's exactly what you need to do.

Sort of like working the 12 Steps of ACA.

---

The Sons of the Pioneers

I hate people

In doing the step work lately I have become reacquainted with a personality problem that has developed from being an ACoA. To oversimplify it and put it in childlike terms, I hate people.

I don't hate individual people. And I don't hate large groups of people. And I don't hate all of humanity constantly. But I have felt so let down, so misunderstood, so abused by humanity in general, that I don't find myself relating to the very species to which I belong. I haven't for the longest time, really.

I haven't felt this was a problem for me for a long time now. I have a few close friends. And I have a detached relationship from my FOO. And I have felt that is all I have needed. But I have large desires for myself. And the only way to achieve those dreams is to help people. And so I find that I have to get over my distrust and disgust with all of humanity.

I don't consider myself perfect and my problem doesn't stem from perceived imperfections of humanity. My problem is that I haven't gotten to the point where I can accept the frailty of humanity. Nor can I accept that even the best people should not be expected to be there when you need them.

I have to meet people where they are and give up my expectations of them having perfect performance in my mind. Once I do that, then maybe I will have room for love for people, something that I presently lack.

Even now my inner child is saying "But they were mean to me". And yes, just about all of the children back when I was a kid were mean to me. Yes, they didn't understand me. And it hurt. It's hurt for fifty years. But they were just doing what kids do. And I need to forgive them for that. But the pain was very deep. And this is not proving an easy thing to do. But the most helpful things generally are not easy.

---

And I don't care if they hate me!

Promises, promises

Last year I made exactly one New Year's resolution, and that was to get all of the weekly game badges for 2011 at Pogo.com. And despite how much the pursuit of same ended up annoying me, I did it and I am glad I did.

My word is important to me, and that includes my word to myself. It's one of the reasons I avoid making New Year's resolutions. I think it's important to keep one's word and most of the times, traditional New Year's resolutions are prescriptions for failure.

Kathy was impressed with my persistence, and noted how impressive that will be when I apply it to a joint venture she and I are working out. I often bag on the handicaps being an ACoA gives me. But in fairness I have to say that this has been one of the benefits.

---

Promises, promises.

On New Year's Day

Kathy went back to her home on New Year's Day and while I occasionally drift into bad thoughts on the subject, for the most part I am handling it okay.

Our time together was very special and very different. I felt at ease and relaxed. When Stella spent a week with me, I was itching for her to leave. I didn't like what I thought my life would have been like with her. I liked what life was like with Kathy.

For the last several months, I was content with me in my home by myself. But now, after several days of having her in my home, it feels empty again. But that's a good thing.

---

I know this song, but not what it is about, so if it is somehow inappropriate, I apologize.

I always feel like somebody's watching me

An ACoA friend of mine named Duane was dumped recently by his ACoA girlfriend Jennifer. Duane likes large breasts (or more accurately women with large breasts). Jennifer used to be one until she had breast reduction surgery. Jennifer asked him at one point if he'd still find her attractive with smaller breasts. Duane, being a literalist, said he didn't know. This was one of those questions that meant something other than what it was asking, which was "Will you still love me with smaller breasts?" Because it was to Jennifer the latter question, she went ballistic and broke up with him.

Duane moved on and found another woman (who coincidentally had large breasts). Jennifer, however, sends him texts and e-mails, has stayed Facebook friends with anyone who knows Duane who will still be friends with her. And she has stalked him over the internet, finding an author's website where he wrote stories about liking women with large breasts. She is now angry at him, thinking that he somehow was the cause of her breast pain and didn't love her, just her breasts. Duane isn't afraid, but were I him, I'd look over my shoulder.

The moral of the story? Avoid ACoA women with abandoment issues that aren't getting treated.

---

Rockwell (with Michael Jackson)

Why my Christmas tree has no ornaments.

I know I said I was done for the year, but I decided I needed to get this one in.

Kathy is visiting and overall it is the most awesome week of my life. However, she has had some concerns with just how far I have come along from my bad old days (the idea being not as far as she would have liked).

Like many ACoA, I have perfectionism issues and deference issues. I get extremely agitated when things I care about do not happen in the way I want them to. It seems the more I care about someone or something, the tighter the choke. Christmas was one of those things.

The very first fight my ex-wife and I had was over a Christmas tree. Christmas had become about pressure and expectations and I had started to actively dislike it. But I remembered as a kid liking the Christmas tree and opening presents and all of that, so when I was alone I decided I would again have a tree.

But I wanted one that wasn't huge, didn't leave pine needles everywhere, and wasn't a pain to haul down from the attic and back up. So I got a pre-lit small artificial tree. And because I didn't want to try to keep track of ornaments, I left it naked.

I'm sure there is a middle ground on tree decorating but right now almost no effort is good enough and I'll add more when I can deal with more.

---

As to Kathy, I took her and the granddaughter (Tina) to the ocean as part of her visit. And it made me think of this song:

I deserve a break today

So I am giving myself the rest of the week off. See you next year.

---

The long and winding road, part two

Long, long day and drive yesterday, but we're here now.  She hasn't run screaming.  And her in my real life is like a whole new life.  I'm afraid of all the questions but I'm more afraid of what my life will be without the answers.

---

Who else, really?

The long and winding road.

Making a long journey from Kathy's place to mine. Frightened of what she'll think but happy to be with her.

Family time

I met Kathy's family and nobody told me to go away, so so far so good.

---

Found these guys when I went looking for the Beach Boys original. They're pretty good.

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine.

Drama addiction is probably the hardest part of ACoA to control. You do have to stick up for yourself and take care of yourself. We often use this, however, as an excuse to allow us to render our lives into a soap opera with us as the lead.

What we don't see, at least right off, is the damage it causes. First of all, it keeps wounds fresh. If you're trying to get a wound to heal, while you do have to clean it you at some point have to leave it alone and let it scab over.

This constant stirring of the pot leads to another bit of damage, the masking of the real problem. The drama addiction never lets you get past the causes of addiction in the first place by keeping you focused instead on the individual episode instead of the larger issues in play.

And lastly, it's just bad for your health. It creates actual physical symptoms that do actual damage to your cells.

The key thing to remember is mindfulness is paramount. I found myself in the heat of an episode and it was only by taking a moment to step outside of myself to look objectively at what I was really doing to know that I was in the throes of it. So feel how you feel. Just keep a close watch on what you're actually doing.

---

I keep my eyes wide open all the time (unless, like right now, I am tired enough to fall asleep).

All my bags are packed

By the time you read this, I will have wended my way from warmer climes for a brief visit to the frosty north. I will try to post here for you, but no promises. And there may be a day or two without musical interludes.

---

I'm leaving on a jet plane, but I know when I'll be back again.

Love and mercy

In one of the many books and articles I have read about Brian Wilson and his recovery from his well-publicized troubles of the late sixties, I read that in his rehab he had discovered that you can drink without having to get drunk. When I read this it was an epiphany for me that things "everybody" knows not everyone knows.

I am reminded of this as the true meaning of something Kathy said to me at our rendezvous has begun to sink in. I am the one depriving myself of joy for turning things that started out to be fun into chores. She had reminded me that I was the one who had chosen the goal for myself and that I could be kind and understanding of my situation and I could release myself from the goal or alter it.

My word is important to me, even to myself and even over something this trivial. However, it is also important to me to be more kind and understanding of myself than I am used to.

But the main revelation is that I am the cause of my grief. I mean, I have always known it on an intellectual level. (See my post on Eclipso.) But now I am really getting the full meaning of it, that whatever the origins of why I do this to myself, right now the person doing it to myself is me.

And yes, you can drink without getting drunk (at least some of you).

---

My musical hero.

Martian Manhunter Monday

Once again on a Monday I turn to the subject of the Martian Manhunter.  In his non-comic book appearances, the Martian Manhunter has been played most often by black guys, which makes Manhunter sort of DC's first black super hero.  Sort of.  I always had a thing for him in part because he was clearly not white (in his real identity) and yet a member of the Justice League.

Black guys who have played the Martian Manhunter:

• Carl Lumlby (Justice League cartoon, Static Shock cartoon)
• Dorian Harewood (The Batman cartoon)
• Phil Morris (Smallville)
• Kevin Michael Richardson (Young Justice cartoon)

---

Just another Manhunter-ic Monday.

That same old feeling

One of the biggest things I have learned about my issues as they relate to ACoA is that they're ultimately somatic.  They may be caused by faulty thinking, but by this point they have become muscle memory, nerve twitches, chills up the spine, gurgles in the stomach, all attached to Pavlovian triggers.

And since they've become reflexive, when my ACoA-heightened guard is down, I can experience the same old feelings, even though I know in my higher brain they're ridiculous.  Case in point: today.  Kathy will be coming for a visit later this month and I had one weekend left to get the house in reasonably presentable shape.

So I have been busting my butt all day today and I am very fatigued (even beyond the most recent usual).  Because I am so tired, instead of evaluating everything from my more mindful perspective, I am seeing doom and gloom around every corner in every response or lack thereof.

While I am not well enough for this to not happen anymore, I am, however, better enough to recognize it for what it is.  I asked Kathy if we were okay in a way that didn't suggest that I believed something was wrong.  I have taken a moment to breathe and write this blog.  And I am reminding myself that I need to honor myself and not let myself get quite this tired.

---

Pickettywitch. No I don't know what it means.

Someone to watch over me

I sent some Christmas cards today for the first time in a long time.  I did the Christmas card deal when I first moved out of my parents house and quickly found that the manual maintenance of a Christmas card list (pre PC days) was way more difficult than I wanted to deal with, never mind the handwriting and the cost of postage.

Today's Christmas card delivery was a little different, though.  These were cards to men I had never met.  They are recovering from substance abuse and are in a facility for self-same.  They are away from family and friends and may possibly have alienated those people by things they did while dealing with their addiction.  If you are alone at the holidays, your loneliness may be magnified because you know so many of the people around you are not alone.

The group I work with makes it a point every year to ask people to send these men cards to let them feel a little closeness of the holidays, even if it is from someone they have never met.  And this year I decided to actually do it.  I am not at all sure that my cards will be welcome, not from any defect in the cards, but simply my doubt that it could mean something to someone I don't know.  But if there's even the slightest chance that a card from me can take away some of the pain and loneliness of the holidays for someone, then I needed to do it.

These years, even in a good year, Christmas is a mixed bag.  My late mother was born in December and the holidays are just a double barrelled reminder that she's dead.  Even though I have Kathy this year, the fact that I have to split my granddaughter's time with Portia (the ex-wfe) is a reminder of the failure of my relationship prior.  Much like the men I wrote to today, my family is far away, although that too can be a mixed bag, were I actually back home.

I heard once that this was a bad time of year for suicides.  I can see why.  (Let me state for those of you who know me personally that I am not at all contemplating suicide; I'm merely thinking about this time of year and reflecting on the sadness that sometimes comes with the season).  All of that said, there is always hope, even in the darkest of times and I hope that my card helped bring some.

---

Ella Fitzgerald, a favorite of my mother's.

A solitary man

We're supposed to put ourselves on our amends list and I have decided to go ahead and do that. I have ruined relationships and missed opportunities because I didn't know how to handle the expressions of my condition. Shoot, I didn't even realize I had a condition. So in thinking about how to make amends to myself, I thought about what I could give myself.

First of all, I owe it to myself to keep sincerely working the program. The program has worked wonders in my life and I will continue to improve if I keep executing the tenets with zeal and understanding. So I vow to continue to do just that.

Next, I owe myself at least as much patience and understanding as I would give my stepson or granddaughter. I'm better but I am a far cry from perfect or even cured. It's bad enough things beat me up when they go wrong. I need to stop piling on myself in addition. This is no mean feat, by the way.

And finally, I owe myself my freedom. At first I lagged on executing my divorce because I didn't want to end the relationship. I thought that Portia and I might get back together even with Stella in the picture. Then, when I was certain that wasn't going to happen, I lagged because I wasn't sure about my relationship with Stella. Then, when that died, I didn't see any need because I wasn't supposed to get into a relationship for a while.

Well, I am in a relationship now, but even so, that isn't why I am finally doing it. In the process of getting to know Kathy, I realized that I need to say to myself and the world that I have truly moved on. (Stella would argue that I already have said it to the world, but I digress.) Kathy and I made an agreement that we wouldn't officially announce we were in a relationship until I was legally out of my current one. So it's time.

I cannot get back my own years lost and my opportunities frittered away. But I can do this for myself. And so I am going to.

---

Don't know that I will, but until I can find me
A girl who will stay and won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am:
A solitary man.

Sorry.

This is the week that I have to actually make amends where I can.  I told Stella almost everything I said here.  I think I will tell Portia in person as well.  I have decided to leave Winnie well enough alone, although I would love to know what has become of her since we last spoke about five years ago.  I have no idea what I will do about Wilma.

But the apology of the letters seems relatively meager compared to the harm done.  I am not sure if the apologies will be welcome.  And thus, I am not sure about passing the harm test, since Step 9 says that the amends need to not be made where they will cause harm.

However the program calls for amends to be made and there must be a reason for it.  I have trusted the program thus far and it has helped me, so I will continue to follow the program.  But whether or not I execute the other letters, I think it was important to identify the areas where I hurt people.  Hopefully it will keep me from making those mistakes again.

---

Not sure what I am going to do if I need another "I'm sorry" song.

If I had a hammer

The fundamental cornerstone of the ACA program is the 12 Steps.  But the steps themselves don't contain what I will call the Tools of ACA. The primary tools we use to move from where we were to where we'd like to be are:

• Sharing ESH (Experience, Strength, and Hope)
• Actively applying the Serenity Prayer
• Reparenting
• Fellowship / community

Reading other people's ESH shows us how we're not alone. It shows us how behaviors we never before considered related to our FOO (family of origin) are really rooted in our pasts. And it gives us ideas on how to handle certain situations specifically when we hear from people further down the path than we are. But it is also important to share our own ESH. Later in the program your ESH will serve the above purpose. But at the start, sharing your ESH will get you in touch with feelings, memories, and issues you may have found yourself disconnected from. It was only through expressing my own ESH that I discovered that I have a relationship addiction, that I fully connected to and understood the origins of my abandonment feelings and unlovability perspective. You learn from others, but you also teach yourself.

Another tool is the active execution of the Serenity Prayer. You have to identify what you can truly change and what you cannot. You make it a point to examine things under that lens. You learn that you can empathize with a co-worker, but you cannot get her to change her destructive drama that she talks to you about all the time. What you can change is whether you participate, whether you encourage the behavior.

You learn the limits of you and the true power of yourself. We tend to believe we're powerless over things we actually can change. We tend to believe we can (or should) change things that are not our affair. Actively applying the Serenity Prayer helps us out. It inverts this. Also, as part of the active application of the Serenity Prayer, we hand things we cannot control off to the Higher Power. This frees us.

Possibly our most powerful tool is reparenting. As ACoA, we often react to things as if we were still a child. We still have that raw, childhood emotion. And we need even as adults that parent to love us in the way our actual parent failed us. When we have a set back, we have to encourage ourselves instead of call us condemning labels. When we get scared, we have to tell ourselves that it will be okay, even without knowing that this will be the case. Because if we tell ourselves it will be okay, it tends to be okay in the end. As we take on the reparenting role, we turn down the voices in our heads. We begin to actively become what we have always had the potential of being.

As to fellowship and community, we tend to be isolationist. We do things by ourselves. We're not social. But there are times where the love of others, just knowing someone else cares about us and wants good for us, makes us feel better. It has no specific result. It just makes us feel better. It's like hanging with really good friends, or if you are lucky your family (because family is not always a positive place for us.)

So by actively sharing and receiving sharing, by active application of the Serenity Prayer, by reparenting, and by just hanging out with other ACoAs, you will begin to modify your behaviors and achieve results.

---

Meanwhile, at the Hammer of Justice...

A good horse

My maternal grandfather told my mother upon her choosing my father for her second husband that she needed to watch out because people will run a good horse into the ground.  What he meant by that was that my mother needed to protect my father from the demands of others (and herself for that matter) because with his ability to do so much so often, there would be an invitation to abuse him to the point of no return.  ACoA are also prime candidates for this type of mistreatment.

ACoA tend toward being people pleasers, being perfectionists, cowering to authority, and being workaholics.  This, from an employer's standpoint is the perfect recipe for an employee: someone who will do high quality work (perfectionism) and a high volume of work (workaholic) to your standard (people pleaser) without any sass (fear of authority).  The problem is that, much like my grandpa's proverbial good horse, without a caring person at the reins, we'll run ourselves into the ground.

If we're lucky, we'll have a mate who will protect us from the outside world luring us into that situation.  The problem is that mates are also tempted to lure us there for their own ends.  To me, one of the greatest challenges of going through the ACA program is training ourselves to be our own benevolent rein master.  But it is vital.  Because the only person we can know with certainty is on our side (if this person ever is on our side) is us.

A great way to begin to do this is to ask yourself whenever someone asks you to do something that they want done, something that would require you giving it "the old college try", "What would happen if I said 'No?'"  Just considering that there is alternatives creates a different sense about doing the task.  It stops being another of your many obligations and becomes a choice.  And that alone is freeing.  And it might just keep you out of the ground.

---

America

Seems you've lost your feel for me

Portia reads Stella's blog, so today I have had to endure Portia's questioning of me on the matter of yesterday's conversation with Stella.  And the cherry on the sundae?  She is siding with Stella (who is asserting that I could never have actually loved her, Stella).

Let's just say there's only she and me and we just disagree.

---

Dave Mason again. I just wish we could actually be this mature about things (Portia and I or Stella and I, take your pick).

One of the toughest conversations I have ever had.

Stella met me today. She still had a few things of mine from when we were together and wanted to give them to me, spurred on by my returning the personal item I mentioned in her letter. So we rendezvoused at a restaurant and had lunch. We talked small talk about how she was recovering from her surgery, how she and hers were doing, how me and mine were doing. She then asked what I was doing for Christmas. And I told her. Which meant I told her about Kathy.

She cried. There were questions about the legitimacy of my feelings for her, how quickly Kathy and I became involved, and many other things. I answered. I was painfully honest. I tried to give her everything I could, everything but the reconciliation that it seemed she sought judging by her reaction to the news of Kathy's existence. She cried and cried. We hugged and departed.

Did she get closure? I don't know. Did this really do anyone any good? I don't know. But she now can move on when she's ready to. And I know that I have tried to make amends. But, as I said in the letter, I don't think it can ever be enough.

---

Given the time of year and the nature of the conversation, I thought of this song for today.

Gifts from ten people I have never met

I have been trying to fix myself and make myself better for years and years and years and over the course of those years, I have been given gifts from people I only know through books or other professional works.  Here are ten people I have never met and the gifts I got from them.

1. Philip Zimbardo
   
   I was shy. (Actually I still am shy.) It is limiting. So I read Zimbardo's book on shyness called Shyness and I learned that, basically, you can fake it to make it. The revelation that Johnny Carson himself was a shy man was all I needed to have a blueprint on how to be the things I wanted to be.
   
   
2. Leo Buscaglia
   
   I saw him on a PBS special a long time ago urging people to love themselves, which at the time for me was a wild concept. His self-acceptance through love was fascinating, and he said something that has since proven itself true. He told someone "If you have fat thighs, celebrate those fat thighs and you’ll find a fat thigh lover."  You can find someone who will love you for you.  Trust me.
   
   
3. Nathaniel Branden
   
   He was the first rational psychologist / psychiatrist in my life and helped me make sense of romantic love. The fact that I ever found myself in any relationships has a lot to do with him.
   
   
4. Napoleon Hill
   
   How to comport yourself to succeed in America really hasn't changed all that much in the many years since he wrote this book. He taught me several key pieces in how to make it financially in this world. I am not yet independently wealthy, but the fact that I have as much as I do have goes in part to him.
   
   
5. Phil Laut
   
   Phil Laut is another of my success coaches, but with a unique twist. One of the things that hurt me in developing my financial success was my literal perception of money. Coming from a working class blue collar background, I had a limiting perception of money. Phil Laut's strange little book changed that for me forever. It's weird but it worked.
   
   
6. Wendi Friesen
   
   Wendi is the only person on the list with whom I have actually communicated, but I have not met her. Wendi is a hypnotherapist and several of her hypnotherapeutic recordings have helped me with habits, issues, and questions. The fact that Kathy finds me studly is due, in part, to her work. It doesn't hurt that I am studly, too.
   
   
7. William Glasser
   
   The second rational psychotherapist on this list, Dr. Glasser's Choice Theory of human relationships is fundamentally very similar to the way that the Serenity Prayer and ACA is supposed to work. We cannot control people. We can only improve ourselves and let the world see our improvement. If my relationship with Kathy is better than my previous, he will be to thank.
   
   
8. J. Michael Straczynski
   
   The creator of Babylon 5, back when he was struggling, wrote a column for Writer's Digest, teaching me many things about the craft of writing. I do not recall if he was the one who specifically told me how to get past writer's block, but I know I learned it in the magazine and I know he did teach me that you could write a screenplay in 24 hours. (I took 48 when I had to do it, but I did it).
   
   
9. Claude Bristol
   
   My third success coach on this list. Claude Bristol was an introduction into using belief to manifest results in your life. Without getting into particulars, I proved this to myself and it really works. Many things have come into my life from the Magic of Believing both the book and the concept.
   
   
10. Melody Beattie
    
    She wrote the book Co-Dependent No More. While the book was more for people actively involved with a substance abuser, it did lead me to ACA and without ACA my life would be considerably different right now.

---

You don't bring me flowers any more

Dear Portia,

I meant it when I said it. I really did.

I meant it when I said that I loved you. I meant it when I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I meant it when I said that I would buy you a house. I meant it when I said I would take you on that honeymoon you always wanted. I meant it sincerely and I wanted to do it right up until you decided you couldn't take it any more.  Couldn't take me anymore.

My part in the end of our marriage had at a lot of its core my issues as an adult child of an alcoholic.  By the time you got to really know me, you felt like you had married a stranger.  We couldn't discuss trimming a Christmas tree without it turning into World War III because, in part, of my defensiveness.  I tried very hard to please you (as a people pleaser is wont to do) and bred resentment in myself.  I harmed you many, many times.

One of the things we do in ACA is we make a list of the people whom we have harmed and we have to figure out how to make amends to them if at all possible.  I cannot change our outcome.  But I still remember the things I said to you, the promises I made. And so, while none of it will come true in the way that I had hoped back when I said the things I said, I have found a way, through the settlement that we reached on the money, to make a lot of it happen.

I was responsible for you being able to buy a house, thanks to an early dispersal of some of the money.  And you'll be able to take a nice vacation with what you will get over the remaining time.  And because of the grandchild we have custody of, you'll be in my life for years whether I want you to be or not.

It's not what I wanted and it's not what you wanted.  But I hope that from what is now possible it will do.

---

The winds of change continue blowing

Dear Stella,

I am writing you this letter because as part of my working in ACoA, I need to make amends to those I have harmed and you are one of those I have harmed. We have only a few precious years on this planet and I squandered those three years we shared together by not being upfront and honest with you about how I thought, how I felt, who I was, and what I wanted. I so wanted to make our relationship work, that I became a chameleon and went along with pretty much anything you had to say, thinking that doing so might keep you from abandoning me. In fact, it may very well have been the cause of our relationship ending

I cannot give you those years back and there is nothing I can do to ease the hurt that came attendant with our break up. The best that I can do is to say that I am truly sorry and to return [personal item I still possess] to you. I hope you're happy in your new life.

---

Dear Winnie,

I am writing you this letter because as part of my working in ACoA, I need to make amends to those I have harmed and you are one of those I have harmed. Even though I knew how hard it was for my mother to be in a relationship with my father because of the alcohol, I so enjoyed talking to you and being with you (before you passed out) that I tried to make a relationship with you work and you decided you wanted it too. So when our relationship failed as it was destined to do, you were very hurt. The conversation we had where I was trying to dump you I could tell was tearing you apart and it was no surprise to me that you stopped me and "dumped" me instead.

Please believe that I never wanted to hurt you. From mutual acquaintances, I understand that after we broke up you stopped drinking entirely and have had a fulfilling life and career and I am very glad for you. I wish I could make some sort of amends to you, but it seems from the pain you took a much greater gift for yourself than anything I could ever give. I wish you well.

---

Another letter

Dear Wilma,

I am in a program called Adult Children Anonymous.  I, like yourself, am a child of an alcoholic and many children of alcoholics develop behavior patterns as children that end up harming themselves and others in their adulthoods.  And much like Alcoholics Anonymous, we have a series of steps, one of which is making amends to people we have harmed by our behaviors.  And one of the people I have harmed by my behaviors is you.

Without getting into particulars, there were a number of things I did while I was in a relationship with you that led you to believe I was a different person than the man I truly am.  That was creating a relationship under false pretenses.  And then, because I so feared abandonment and so feared I would never find anyone else, I did not let our relationship go when it was clear that it was precarious at best.  I took away most of the childbearing years of your life in this dance.  And for those things I am sorry.  But I am also sorry for something else.

Back when we were in a relationship I would have done anything I could to get you to be and stay with me.  And so I lavished you with as many gifts and trips as I could afford on my then meager salary.  From what I understand from a mutual acquaintance, you developed a taste for living this way and being this way to the point where old friends do not recognize you.  I regret that my dysfunction may have altered you forever.  And for that, I am truly sorry.

I do not know how to make amends to you.  Your youth cannot be regained and you have gone on to a relationship in which you seem to be happy.  So I wish you light and love and I thank you for having been a part of my life.

---

Since if I ever send the letter I will not mention this draft here, I will present the song that came to mind as I wrote this.

Watch this space

Too many things today to make an entry now.  I'll double up tomorrow.

Getting sentimental

Here is the first of the letters to go along with making amends.

---

Dear Mama,

I am writing you this in a relatively formal way to keep me on track and make sure I get to the point of the letter.  Otherwise I will be distracted by the kind of mother / son conversation I would like to still be able to have with you in actual life.

In the process of making my way in this world without you, I discovered that I had imprinted a pattern of self-defeating behaviors directly related to growing up with Pop's drinking and your, well, personality.  We call ourselves Adult Children of Alcoholics, but you needn't be raised by an alcoholic for it to fit.  Being raised by other addictive personalities can bring it on.  Certain types of family trauma may also bring it on.

At any rate, the program deals with being this way in a similar way as to how Alcoholics Anonymous deals with drinkers, including our own 12 steps.  One of those steps is identifying people whom you have harmed by having this behavior pattern and being willing to make amends to them.

One of the people that I have harmed is you.  Because I was caught in the spiral of trying to escape or cure my childhood shortcomings in my adult life, I was occasionally mean to you in a childish attempt to "defend" myself.  I messed around with the wrong women for many years, never producing a grandchild of my flesh which I know you so wanted (although you did love my stepchildren).  I never quite fulfilled the promise you and others saw in me when I was young.  And when you asked the last thing you ever asked of me, for me to come see you two days before you died, in the name of being responsible I said "No."

For all of these things I say that I am sorry.  As to how to make amends to you, especially now that you're gone, one thing I have done is I have made sure to come back to Ohio every year around Easter, which is very close to when you died.  Since you have died, I have made it a point to get to know Pop before I lose him, too.  I remind others that we lose our parents all too soon, even if they live to a nice old age.

I am striving to improve myself through ACA, therapy, and other self-improvement techniques.  I have changed the type of woman I look for, with decidedly positive results.  And I am always trying to make something of myself.   You were not always effusive with praise, so I do not know if you are proud of me and if you were whether or not you'd tell me so.  But I think that I am someone you could be proud of.  Even if I don't vote the way you did.

Rest in peace, until we meet again.

Me

---

A song my mother used to sing pretty much while she did anything other than talk or eat.

The letter

I have decided that I am going to write letters in support of the amends I have to make to several of the people I listed on Saturday.  I'm looking forward to that about as much as I looked forward to enumerating them in the first place.

---

Give me a ticket for an aeroplane.

Dream a little dream of me

I had an unsettling dream last night.  The particulars are irrelevant aside from this: I had an argument with my mother (justified, by my memory of the circumstances).  And yet, although in the context of the dream my anger was justified and in real life my mother is long dead, I still, hours later, am aggravated by it.

I miss my mother dearly and feel a number of regrets about the circumstances of her passing.  The last conversation we had was a day or two before she died where she had asked me to come home to visit.  I had not been long working at my job and had used time off relatively recently to see her when she was in the hospital to get her to take treatment. I have, since she died, convinced myself she knew she was dying and wanted to see me one last time.

Had I left where I live sooner than I did on the day that they called to tell me she was dying, I might have arrived before she died.  But I did not.  And my family left her hooked up to a ventilator after she was declared brain dead so that I could see her "alive" when I arrived, as though somehow an animated corpse was going to be of comfort to me.  This also left me with the task, as my father was not up to it, of telling them to pull the plug.  I have always had rocky relationships with my family, but that day was probably the worst.  I'm not sure I liked anyone to whom I was related that day.

These regrets loom large in my life and make even my telling the truth about how we were raised very difficult for me.  I do love my mother and wish with all my heart and soul she was still around.  My telling her that I did not think I could come any time soon made her cry, as I know telling the stories of my childhood would.  And my mother's tears are like a sledgehammer to my heart.

And that is why I am disturbed about my dream, in that I am aware that I rarely get the joy of dreaming about her and thus, in a way, seeing her still alive.  Yet here I was with a chance to spend time with my mother again and I was yelling at her.  But the kicker is, as I said, I was justified in asserting my position.  As I am healing and making myself better, had this dream scenario really occurred, I should have stood up for myself.

I think the dream may have been trying to show me that I need to find ways to assert and protect myself that don't come with the anger.  Anger is very damaging and is ultimately more the source of my ACoA related problems than alcohol itself, as it was my mother's anger at my father's drinking that was the real pain to me and I can see where my father's drinking could have been a substitute for his anger at something.

Perhaps it was my mother's not-so-subtle way to get me to put her on my amends list.  I didn't include her because I felt I had no means to make amends to her at this point.  Perhaps I will call my dad a little more frequently as a way to make it up to her.  Kathy said to me that dreaming about someone who has passed is a good omen, regardless of the circumstances of the dream.  I hope she's right.

---

And now to sing this lovely ballad, here is Mama Cass.

The list

It seems to do me good to not only do these exercises but put them out for others to see.  I think it is a catharsis of sorts for me.  So with that in mind, I present the actual list I came up with for those whom I have specifically harmed through my dealings with being an adult child of an alcoholic.  I will possibly add other people tomorrow, but for how, here is the list.  All names have been altered for the purpose of anonymity.

Whom I harmed	Relationship	How I harmed them
Portia	ex-wife	By not being honest about who I truly was or how I felt, I led her to believe that we had a future together when we did not.
Stella	ex-girlfriend	By not being honest about who I truly was or how I felt, I led her to believe that we had a future together when we did not.
Winnie	ex-girlfriend	Was tempted into thinking I could make it work with an alcoholic, giving her some hope of a relationship.
Wilma	ex-girlfriend	By not honoring myself and respecting myself when I was with her, I wasted valuable years of her life that she could have better spent in another relationship.
Kathy	girlfriend	Because of my need to people-please I sometimes put others ahead of her when they shouldn't be placed there.
Tina	granddaughter	Because I am lax on self-care, I allow myself to be too stressed when dealing with her and thus find myself yelling at her for, in essence, being a kid.
Rick	stepson	For being excessively strict while raising him.
me		By not correcting my behavior, I robbed myself of many relationship opportunities and subjected myself to agonizing break ups and personal humiliations in the name of making a fundamentally flawed relationship work.

It's humiliating to put this out here for the world to see, but shadows and secrets are harmful for me. Once it is out there, it loses its power. I only hope that others can find their courage to face this step from this.

---

I have another list. It has to do with Kathy and Hall and Oates.

My name is Earl

I watched the television show My Name Is Earl not long after its debut. I did so at the urging of some friends.  I enjoyed the oddball characters of Camden County but what I found most appealing about the show was the raison d'être of the show: Earl's list.

If you have not ever seen the show, Earl was an inept criminal who disappointed pretty much everyone in his life. And seemingly in retribution bad things would happen to him. The culmination of this was when he scratched off a winning lottery ticket, only to be hit by a car and lose the self-same ticket.

As he convalesced in the hospital, he was introduced to the concept of karma, which for our purposes I will distill into "What goes around comes around." And so he crafted a list of every person to whom he did wrong and vowed one by one to make amends for these wrongs. Once he did that, he miraculously found the lottery ticket again.

I compare Earl's list to what I have to do this weekend, which is make my own list of people to whom I need to make amends due to the effects of my ACoA behavior. I don't expect to get a winning lottery ticket out of it. I don't even expect a change of fortune. But I do expect to be be a better person for it and that will make my life better.

However, as the show demonstrated, making amends is a tricky business and truly sometimes it cannot be done without causing more harm that it alleviates. That said, it is worth the effort anyway, if for no other reason than it allows you to move forward in your life. And that alone is quite a gift.

---

Gene Chandler about another Earl, sort of.

Google AdSense can bite my butt

I didn't even want to put ads on here.  Blogger, a Google product, offered it.  So I decided to do it.  I didn't get many clicks.  I didn't care.

In the middle of November, Russian sites started visiting me out of nowhere.  Okay.  Fine.  Whatever.  Then my click rate shot up.  Okay.  Fine.  Whatever.

Suddenly, it got close to where Google would actually have to pay me for the clicks.  And then and only then did my click activity get “suspicious.”

I appealed.  They said, without explaining their mysterious vetting process, that my clicks were still suspicious and my account was suspended.  Okay.  Fine.  Whatever.

Google AdSense can bite my butt.  And you can click on it.

Oooooooooookay

Just got an e-mail saying my AdSense account was disabled.  Happy Friday.

I gotta be me

I am working the various steps of ACA and am up to Step 8, which involves compiling a list of people to whom I need to make amends. In the process of trying to figure out to whom such amends need to be made, I was called upon to recall the end of my relationship with my girlfriend prior to Kathy. For the purposes of this post, we will call her Stella.

As I was working with the crew on putting my list together, I had to get into the gory details of how we broke up, those that I skipped in my prior post on the subject, to explain why she was on my list of people to whom I needed to make amends. In the course of explaining, I also had to explain that a large part of what ended us was my actually getting better as far as being an ACoA is concerned.

As I have gotten better it has become easier for me to be honest with other people as to who I am and what I actually like. But as I was more and more myself with Stella, it seemed that Stella liked me less and less. Part of it I think has to do with the loss of Mr. Nice Guy, the one who would acquiesce to every whim of hers. And part of it was just I wasn't who she thought I was and who she thought she was in a relationship with. That is the part that is my fault and for which I need to make some kind of amends.

I have learned my lesson from this, and Kathy has seen me warts and all. Well, I don't have actual warts, mind you, but if I did, she would have seen them by now. Again this is a common struggle for those of us in ACA. Because we would at our worst do literally anything to keep a relationship alive, we often lie in this way and then wonder why we are so misunderstood by our partners.

So now I know that if anything is to be real and lasting at all, I gotta be me, as the song says.

---

The song.

No more Mr. Nice Guy

We seem to have issues in sync in my ACA group and right now a prevalent issue is caving in. People pleasing is one of the Laundry List traits, and quite possibly after our fears of abandonment, the most limiting and damaging one as it runs counter to the preservation of self and one's own rights and needs.  It also is one of the hardest things to modify for one simple reason: the people in your life like you caving all the time.

While most people are not Machiavellian enough to deliberately exploit this trait, we find life easier when people go along with what we want.  And if you're a pushover, people get to expect that you'll always go along with what they want.  So, as a part of your healing and growing, the first time you "push back" (as we say at work) against them will generally catch them by surprise.  And instead of accepting the resistance, they will push back harder, trying to get the old, caving you to resurface.

Eventually, while they miss the old, agreeable you, they come to respect better (if not like better) the self-honoring you, in no small part because you like the self-honoring you better.  And if standing up for yourself is the cause of the end of any relationship you have (friendship, family, business, or what have you), then you sincerely ought to consider whether you actually had the relationship you thought you had.

---

Alice Cooper

I hope you had the time of your life

I debated long and hard about whether I should write this entry and I have decided that I needed to. Once we get into it, you'll see why.

As it turns out, an old lover has a blog of her own (about other matters) and has seen fit in recent days to discuss (among other things) both me and why we broke up.

Before discovering ACA and working the program, I would have reflexively lashed out to defend myself, as I have had a tendency to do whenever I have felt threatened, justifiably or otherwise.

I am not doing that now and please do not take this post as my doing that (although I could see an argument could be made that I am doing it, hence my debate about this post.) In the end, there is nothing I need to defend myself about. We were ultimately not right for each other. That's the simple bottom line.

As to who was more justified in doing or not doing this, that, or the other, that's the drama addiction calling to me like a sea siren. But I shall not founder against those rocks. People who were privy to the facts of the matter have made up their own minds (as has she, as have I). And to the rest of you, it's merely an opportunity to show that I realized that something didn't work and I am now looking for something that does. And I believe that Kathy and I do.

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

— Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day

---

For the record, I didn't remember the actual title of this song was what it was.

Master of Martian Arts

Monday short shot today. One way I know that Kathy is a keeper is that she said she'd wear one of these:

Martian Manhunter ©2011, DC Comics, Inc.

Shirt courtesy of SuperheroStuff.com

How can you let a woman like that get away?

---

A Martian's favorite word is "Boinga!"

Whenever I call you friend...

I had the pleasure of watching my football team (lose, alas) in the company of a friend of mine and his girlfriend.  Even though he and I have been workplace sports friends for nearly three years, this was the first time he and I have been together in a purely social setting.  It was nice, but it was also a reminder of two problems for me.

Problem number one is that I don't have a lot of friends here locally.  I'm not sure the reasons, but even though I have lived where I live for nearly fifteen years now, I have had a lot of trouble making friends here.  Granted I think some of that is that for ten of those years, I was more invested in my marriage than any personal relationships and my friends back home could fill any gaps I may have had with a simple phone call.  But even after the wife left, I found it hard to develop relationships and to move them from their original location (work) and into my personal life.  But that may come from the other problem.

In growing up in my FOO with The Big Secret®, we weren't allowed friends over.  Can't have people knowing your business and all of that.  So I didn't have a lot of opportunities to learn the finer points of social interaction and I couldn't reciprocate in kind to my friends going up.  I went over my friend Felix's house for weeks when I was in grade school.  His family even fed me.  Felix came to mine once (just the outside) and I got chewed out for it.  So I generally don't know how I made friends and find them a sort of lucky miracle.

At any rate, while I am still a hermit, my socialization skills and my socializing has improved and while I certainly need my alone time, I am having the company of others more and enjoying it.

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A song from the soundtrack of a movie I wrote:

Do you know what I mean?

In some of the ACA talk I have been following now that my novel is done, there has been conversations about people catching their spouses in behavior they would really rather the spouse not indulge in. And the logic of the conversations all seem to be of the variety "I dislike X. He knows I dislike X. He continues to do X. Therefore he must not care about / respect / love me." This is often not the case at all.

Sometimes people do X (whatever it is) because they are compelled in some way, either something fetishistic, something addictive, or to keep a promise. And yes, sometimes they do it simply because they believe, correctly IMO, that it's your hang up and not theirs. But the fact that they choose to do X (or in some cases are compelled to do X) is not directly related to their feelings about the complaining spouse. And it is the complaining spouse that ends up putting their relationship on the line.

In the book Getting Together and Staying Together, by William Glasser and Carleen Glasser, they talk about how complaining and nagging are real daggers to an effective marriage and that communication and listening are supporters of it. However, in order for that to happen, the complaining spouse has to be ready to alter their world view and understand what is going on (what their spouse really means) if they want the relationship to continue. This is apparently a more daunting challenge than I realized.

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Do you know what I mean?