Graduation Day

Well, this past week I graduated. Not from school but from therapy. After having gone to therapy actively since the summer of 2008, the summer when my wife and I had the last marital troubles that led to our marriage dissolving, I am now no longer seeing anyone. And it feels...weird.

I started going to the first therapist, Marie, as a marriage counselor with Portia, my then-wife. The marital therapy was about as effective in keeping the marriage together as the Cleveland Browns offense was that year (4-12) in winning football games. I then continued to see Marie for the next three years, surviving the break up and then the tumultuous relationship with Stella. But progress seemed slow and less than satisfying.

Then two things happened. The first was that Marie, after three years, found out that my father was an alcoholic. I never hid it from her. It somehow just never came up. This led her to suggest I read Co-Dependent No More, which is where I heard of Adult Children of Alcoholics. But the other thing that happened is that Marie took an opportunity to do some special work elsewhere, leaving me in the care of her colleague, Caroline.

Caroline had a much more assertive style. She pushed me. She gave me homework. And so, between ACoA and her, I began to make much swifter progress. Of course, it didn't hurt that my relationship with Stella was soon over, allowing me to focus even more on healing myself, since she was a bullet still lodged in my open wounds.

And in one last push, she pushed me to push off and leave therapy. I could argue with it. I'm better. I can do things in love relationships (like set boundaries) that I couldn't before. I have come a long way. Am I fixed? No. I will continue to evolve as long as I live. But I am moving to a new chapter, so play the music; I'm marching in graduation.

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Pomp and Circumstance No. 1, conducted by the composer.

Breaking up is hard to do.

Don't say that this is the end.

— Neil Sedaka

It really isn't as big a deal as it would have been a year or so ago, but since I told you about Kathy and Portia developing a relationship I think it only fair that I tell you about "The Breakup."

Over the course of the last few months of 2012, Kathy and Portia's relationship cooled. Kathy seems to think that Portia finally got the idea that Kathy wasn't going anywhere. Also, Portia had begun to be more and more negative, again according to Kathy. I like to think she just was more and more her true self.

But at any rate, after she and I returned from spending the holidays in her home state to where we live, she noticed that Portia had suspended all contact with her, down from contact at least once a day. Kathy was fine with that but curious, so she texted Portia to get the scoop. Portia then set up a meeting to have a "talk".

Portia then had a dramatic conversation with Kathy that seemed an awful lot like a break up meeting. Portia claimed that Rick, my stepson, had advised her that it wasn't healthy to keep having a connection to my life and so she was ending her relationship with Kathy so as not to have a window into my life. Of course, that was the only reason she had pushed a relationship in the first place, but I digress.

She said that I would always have access to my stepdaughter Tina (who mysteriously is nonetheless never available to me when I want her) and that their mutual friend could still be friends with Kathy. Kathy acted like this was a loss and then went on her merry way.

And I feel better than I used to.

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Neil Sedaka.

Well, I think it's going to be all right.

I heard on the news this morning that it was just about a year ago that Hurricane Irene came through the North Carolina community in which I live. The hurricane was the marker of an important change in my life.

Right before the hurricane, I had to put down my dog who had been with me for all but a few months of my entire time living here. And then, during the hurricane, my now ex-girlfriend Stella took the decision of ending our relationship out of my hands when she dropped me via text message.

That was my high bottom for being an adult child of an alcoholic and I started working the steps in earnest and started writing this blog. Since that time I have written a novel, had my new girlfriend Kathy move in with me, and gotten divorced from Portia.

There are some adjustments going on dealing with my living with another human being, but things are a lot better for me than they were a year ago. I'm often happy and even more often content.

I'm sorry that I haven't been updating this regularly, but my life is very full at the moment. I'm trying to come up with a frequency I can sustain but that allows me to do the many other things in life I love. I'll see if I can figure out.

Oddly, even a year later, Stella still talks about me in her blog, although thankfully less frequently. Portia is still being as demented regarding Tina as she was in the spring, so I may have to consider other options where that is concerned.

But as for me, I have moved on and life is good.

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Yeah, the worst is over now. The morning sun is shining like a red rubber ball.

Undone

The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley.

from "To a Mouse" by Robert Burns

A while back I wrote here that the not-quite-yet-ex-wife had agreed to terms to make the ex part official. Well, now she wants to change the agreement. Needless to say I am less than pleased by this turn. And our most recent attempt at negotiation has become rancorous. This was one of the things that kept me away from the keyboard the past few days, by the way.

There is no rush to get the divorce from the standpoint of getting together with Kathy, but there is a rush for me in that I need to be free from her manipulative game playing once and for all. Your prayers in this regard are welcome.

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The Guess Who

A solitary man

We're supposed to put ourselves on our amends list and I have decided to go ahead and do that. I have ruined relationships and missed opportunities because I didn't know how to handle the expressions of my condition. Shoot, I didn't even realize I had a condition. So in thinking about how to make amends to myself, I thought about what I could give myself.

First of all, I owe it to myself to keep sincerely working the program. The program has worked wonders in my life and I will continue to improve if I keep executing the tenets with zeal and understanding. So I vow to continue to do just that.

Next, I owe myself at least as much patience and understanding as I would give my stepson or granddaughter. I'm better but I am a far cry from perfect or even cured. It's bad enough things beat me up when they go wrong. I need to stop piling on myself in addition. This is no mean feat, by the way.

And finally, I owe myself my freedom. At first I lagged on executing my divorce because I didn't want to end the relationship. I thought that Portia and I might get back together even with Stella in the picture. Then, when I was certain that wasn't going to happen, I lagged because I wasn't sure about my relationship with Stella. Then, when that died, I didn't see any need because I wasn't supposed to get into a relationship for a while.

Well, I am in a relationship now, but even so, that isn't why I am finally doing it. In the process of getting to know Kathy, I realized that I need to say to myself and the world that I have truly moved on. (Stella would argue that I already have said it to the world, but I digress.) Kathy and I made an agreement that we wouldn't officially announce we were in a relationship until I was legally out of my current one. So it's time.

I cannot get back my own years lost and my opportunities frittered away. But I can do this for myself. And so I am going to.

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Don't know that I will, but until I can find me
A girl who will stay and won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am:
A solitary man.